The Littlest Things That Take You There.

Thursday, July 16, 2009 @ 6:48 PM

Dejected.

每当我背对星空
抱着地球
发现自己其实脆弱不敢说

A reflection of myself that i did from the defeat of yesterday'smatch.
Hopeless- Again history repeated itself as i was playing with my juniors but just that its a diff team. I am unable to take the lead and boost their morale, cant even fend for myself, nervous, not for the first time during matches but always..
Beguile ( fool) - A person is born with a purpose.. And mines is to be a joke. I, myself was already a joke and yet didnt know my own limits and aspired to go higher.. what a fool.
Disheartened- Being so self-motivated and dreamt of bigger stuffs but cant even defend for my own position well, over looking the whole picture of what i really were totally. Standards brought too high up and when all was crushed you began to drop to the lowest in ur life.. After a great defeat, and all was clear to me, cant even do the slightest stuff that should be done which was to be focused and engrossed..

traumatize- We lost.. then worst consequence that i had thought of. It came true. Still cant accept the hard blow even the match was over but now I am more sober, I noe what I am really made of.
Many many other adjectives that i can thought of to describe myself..
Insubstantial, unreliable, inconsistent, coward, falliable, frail, easily-defeated, burden.. etc that makes a person that looks inconsequential-insignificant.

Subset- a position that i was playing for 4-5 years, a position which i held onto and was appointed to whenever i was in the team.. A place where no one would have knew how i felt as what i did was not really that important, it can be played by any other person in the team.. just that they have many other ability that can allow them to play other positions but me- what i can only do was to defend defend and defend and maybe set to my teammates and let them score for my team.. I was a nobody in the team, be it in the past or present, and still a unstable, incapable of any other things BECAUSE of what.. OF my LACK OF FOCUS, i dun blame anyone but i hate myself.. why i cant i just focus on the things that i wanna do best for the team.. Thats a diff between a good player and a lousy one- focus and do what should be done. Many a times, telling myself again and again, focus, do the team proud but did i ever achieved it? Never. It is just a simple thing and i just allowed my mind to control over my body. Why am i in the main6 anyway? I really think that i dun have the qualities to be in there playing and telling everyone to cheer up and boosting the morale - who am I actually to be doing that..

It's never enough to say I'm sorry

Many many nice ppl around me keep showing their concerns about me..
Neglecting their concerns and still being like this, isnt what i wanted, but yet i cant helped to be like this.. I really wanna stand up again- but evertime when i thought of my uncoordinated actions and things that i had done to disappoint ppl again and again.. how do I able to trust myself that i can do it again.. I am really sick of failing but what can i do? My actions are always so unclear to ppl and even myself, I say things that i wanna achieved But i do things that make myself become a total loser and disappointment. WHY?

Being at the bottom of the pit.. Stop trying to pull me up, everyone..
I am just a useless and incapable person which I labelled myself as.
That's who i really am.
Just stop it.
I dun deserve all the cares and concerns from everyone.. Stop treating me so nice, it just make me feel more far apart from the world..

A match coming up tml.. and what you will see..
A joke.
A predictable fact.

so come on, tell me.